The first time I saw him and would never forget the way he knelt in the dirt. It was so dark. Not just the absence of light, but a darkness you could feel creeping down your shirt, sending chills over your body. The kind where you saw black figures moving just out of view. It was the essence of darkness that touched all of the senses of one's body. It was scary. I only remember because I could barely see my hand in front of my face, but I could see him. He could feel it too. This darkness made me feel like I was living every nightmare I had ever had. I felt sick. So did the other man. He vomits blood.
He was a quiet sort of person. Wearing a brown sackcloth robe, he seemed to be a short man and while his face wasn’t ugly, it was plain with brown messy hair and an unkempt beard. What I remember about him most though, was his small, callused, yet strong, hands.
From the bush I was sitting in, I was perplexed as I had been watching him for hours and this scene unfolded before me. I began to feel sorry for him as bizarre things started to happen to him since he had ripped his sackcloth a few hours back. Sweat drops of blood poured down his face. He was always panting for air and gasping as if someone had hit him. Tears streamed down his face, looking like a picture of agony.
He lifts his face to the black moonless sky and his lips move in silence.
Always a loud buzzing noise and faint whispers, mysterious and sinister, float in the background. The tension in the air becomes thick. He gets up and returns to his friends. Again, they are sleeping. He wakes them up and speaks to them. I do not understand what he is saying to them, but the sounds are weak. He walks back to his place, doubled over fighting for breath, fearing for his friends. He kneels down.
My eyes begin to get heavy and I strain to keep them open. Uncertain of how much time had passed, I hear a commotion in the background, like heavy footsteps. Demonic sounds playing their cruel game. Nevertheless, the man gets up and walks away.
A small army has assembled. They have torches and are talking. I move in closer. There was only one phrase I could hear the man I had been watching say. “I AM” thunders from the sound of his voice. Shaking the earth and the soldiers fall over. The loud buzzing noise and faint whispers cease. The soldiers look dazed as the man patiently waits as his friends gather. The soldiers all rise. One man steps forward and kisses the man on the cheek. The man in brown says something not audible. The scene before me starts to fade. I try to hold on, but am pulled away as a foggy mist sets in.
My eyes fly open. I find myself covered in sweat and crying. Looking at the clock it reads 3:30am. My heart is beating very fast. Panting, I fight to get control over my shaking body. Knowing I would not be able to fall back to sleep, I get up and head for the shower. Shaken up by that dream, I let the hot water soothe me. I don’t feel well.
Following me, my lover knocks on the shower door and peeking in asks “What's wrong Baby?”
“I had a really creepy dream. It made me sick.” I answered.
“What was it about?” Hesitantly, I preceded to recall the events of the dream. After I had finished he casually stated, “There now that wasn’t so bad.”
“Not so bad!?” I retorted. “But you don’t understand! It felt so real! Like I was there! It was horrible!” Offering me a towel, he jestered, “come back to bed.”
We left the bathroom, climbed under the covers. I laid there with my eyes open and the dream played over and over in my mind. The look of anguish, the pain, the blood that poured down his face. It was horrific. I had never had a dream so real before. I was scared. Curling up beside Calvin, his steady breath soon put me into a restless and dreamless sleep.
*******************
7:00am the sound of the alarm drags us out of bed to get ready for another day of work. I make our lunches, while Calvin whips up breakfast. I am a receptionist for a young shipping warehouse on Sea Port Way. Calvin and his brother, Ace, own a small coffee shop downtown. Both are not glamorous jobs, but we like what we do. By 7:40am, we are both out the door and on our separate ways. I walk into work completely forgetting last night's dream.
5:15pm I walk through my door to make dinner. Calvin arrives shortly after. After dinner we watch the news, create small talk and go to bed. This is our life, more or less. Lying there awake, that dream comes back to me. Along with it that sickening feeling. Soon I was asleep...
*******************
“Here, here,” said a voice, I looked around, there was a man who looked like a solder, holding out a long whip to me. It had shrap razor blades on the end and there were several long leather strains. I looked at him confused.
“Wha...?” around me the sun was just barely up and there were many eyes watching me, I took the whip but I didn’t know what it was for. The man who handed it to me nodded in the direction of a post. There was another man who stood with his back to me. He was tied to the small post, he was naked, and there were already red blocs on his back.
“Hurry up!” said the man, and I understood, they wanted me to whip him.
“Why?” I asked
“He's a thief or something, oh yeah,” he said snapping his fingers, “The Jews accuse him of wanting to start a riot.” I opened my mouth to ask another question, “enough with the questions, to work! Why else do we pay you!” did they pay me? I couldn’t remember...I looked at the men with his back to me again, he looked strangely familiar. Well he must be a bad guy if they want me to beat him right? I picked up the whip it felt heavy to my arm and even though the sun wasn’t high I felt very hot. The sound of vultures echoed over head and that sense of evilness surged around me again. I whipped off some sweat from my forehead.
The solder pushed me “TO WORK!” He yelled. I pick up the whip and hurled it down at the man, the razor blade stuck fast in his skin, I felt like I was going to vomit as I pulled the whip out of his back and skin went flying. “AGAIN!” yelled the man. Tears blurred my vision, the man hadn’t even cried out, blood ran down his back, “AGAIN!” the other officer yelled.
I pick up the whip high and stuck down with force and pulled it out quickly. I repeated this motion over and over again until I was numb. The next thing I remember someone was ripping the whip from my hands. I looked down at the mess I had caused. The man at the post had slipped to the ground and he was cover in blood. I could see his ribs...and his inside. Blood, blood, blood everywhere, it cover my face, hands, the ground my whole body and the man was, was so ugly looking. His face was torn and blood was everywhere, I couldn’t believe someone could bleed some much. I fell to the ground, how could I have done this? I cried out as the dragged the man away... it looked like his stomach was almost hanging out...oh beside other things. Was that his heart beating?
“Oh God! Oh God, OH GOD!!!” I screamed, how could I have done that to anyone?
I woke up in a pool of sweat again, this dream felt more real than the last; I flick the light on quickly and looked at my hands...no blood...how could I have done that? I was shaking, I got up and ran to the liquor cabinet, and my hands could barely manage the locks. It felt like there were eyes looking at the back of my head, and that same sense of evilness from the dream, filled the room. Finally it was open, I was shaking worse than before and I grab the first liquor bottle I saw and down the contents. I put it back as the burn went down my throat. The dream started to retreat as the liquor set in. I sighed and took another swig, and then I slid to the ground. I touched my face and was surprised that my hands meet wetness. I had been crying and I didn’t even know it. Calvin came and found me,
“Zoey! What are you doing? You have to work tomorrow.” He said snatching the bottle from me, thank God its Friday tomorrow you’ve been acting so weird lately.” I sat there in a drunken stupor and he lifted me and took me back to bed. I laid wide awoke though. Finally after some time I feel asleep.
I woke up to Calvin gently calling my name and shaking me. “Zoey, wake up time for work!” I open my eyes, crap 7:15. I jumped out of bad and race to the shower. I brushed the dream aside and tried to forget that horrible dream and go on with my day. Today was Friday and I fully intended to party the week-end away! And forget about those stupid dreams.
Later at work, being so tried I laid my head down to rest, I dreamt again.
“Zoey Bakacofise how do you plea?” said a loud booming voice, I looked around, there stood a very tall wooden podium, and at the top sat a judge and he had a large golden gavel in his hand.
“I...I...I don’t understand, wha...why am I here? I didn’t do nothing wrong,” his large brown eyes pierced mine, “Your honour,” I added. He opened a list,
“You are here by changed with adultery, for-”
“WHAT?” I yelled, “When have I ever cheated on my boyfriend? That's not true!” I yell indigent.
“No?” he nodded to another man who popped in a tape and hit play. A screen flashed to life and there I was, 7 years old girl looking at the boy in first grade the one whom I had like very much, then another image jumped to life it was him and I kissing, I was confuse for a second I don’t remember that happening. Then it showed me again sitting there...oh weird, it was a thought I had had. I looked at the judge again confused.
“What?” word surrounded me, I don’t know if they were spoken or in my mind or written on the screen but I saw both the words and heard a booming voice, even though the judge’s mouth didn’t move. It said ‘I tell you that anyone who looks at a man lustfully has already committed adultery with him in her heart.’ “That’s crazy! And unfair! One little thought about kissing a boy and you call that adultery? What kind of crazy place is this? Everyone has a thought about kissing someone once and a while, it’s not adultery!”
The judge didn’t answer me but rather his eyes bore into mine, I looked away ashamed that I had lost my temper. The video played another scene this time I was a little older, maybe 10. I stood on the side of a pool and I was looking at an older life guard, another scene flickered across the screen. I looked away ashamed I didn’t even know I knew about sex at that age. I looked away. I felt condemned, wait why was I feeling bad for wanting to have sex with someone?
I looked up at the judge and said, “I don’t know what kind of game your playing but it’s not funny. I don’t have to feel bad for that! There is no such thing as sin! It’s just an illusion created by those crazy religious fanatics, who want to control everyone. I don’t have to feel bad, and ‘sin’ or doing something ‘wrong’ as you call it is just matter of perception. And I don’t think that’s wrong and well, no one else dose! This is just insane!” the judge looked down at me sadly, he said nothing. Humpt! I showed him! Silly old mind people believed in ‘sin’ how could it be wrong to do what feels good or right? The dream started to fade as a co-worker poked me.
I apologized for falling asleep and kept to myself the rest of the day; I try to shake the weird feeling these dreams were giving me. The ‘feeling’ was, was something I hadn’t felt in a very, very long time, therefore I couldn’t place it for some time. Later at home well I got ready for the bar, it hit me! Guilt! It was the feeling of having down something wrong. I hadn’t felt bad in so long. The last time I felt bad was when I was 12, I was sitting in church with Granddad, the preacher was talking about some Jesus fellow who went and died for bad things we had done. Later when I asked my mom about it she said there was no such thing as doing bad, it was a manner of perception. And no one should make her daughter feel bad for doing things that felt good or nice. This feeling made me angry and I shock it off as I got ready. I put on the more revealing outfit I had and did my hair and make-up the same.
“Whoa! Why are you dressed like that?” asked Calvin as he walked into the bedroom, “You trying to pick up a guy or something?”
“Get lost! I can dress however I want and aren’t nobody gonna make feel bad about it! Its girl’s night so go away!” I practically yelled at him
“No! You’re not leaving dressed like that!” he said angrily
“Why?” I asked rudely
“Because, cuzs it’s just wrong!” he said indignant.
“Anent nothing wrong with the way I’m dressed! And nobody, nobody is going to tell me what's ‘wrong’, I’m a grown women and I can dress as I please!”
“You’re practically naked! And you don’t see what's wrong with that?”
“NO!” I yelled.
“Fine leave then, obviously you don’t care about me or our relationship!” he said and left the room. I went out to the car and arrived at the club, I glared with my girl-friends as they gave me questioning glances.
“Don’t mention it!” I danced and I got drunk, really drunk. I would show that judge! I can do as I please and not feel bad. I don’t remember much of that night...sadly the next morning I was in my bedroom, alone. Calvin had left a note saying if I didn’t care about him he was gone. That guilty feeling washed over me again and made me feel sick...which made me white hot with rage. When would I stop feeling this stupid ‘guilt’?
I called Calvin and asked him to come home and said that I wouldn’t do that again. He came home and that night we stayed in and had a few drinks. With dread I went to bed, please, please I don’t want to dream, those horrible dreams! Thankfully I didn’t, not that night at least but they were far from over.
END OF PART ONE
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